


We're lost in a cloud with too much rain.

by DrunkSmoochum



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Angst, Coming Out, Dark, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Nervousness, Self-Discovery, Self-Esteem Issues, Unwanted Kiss, this will have a happy ending I promise
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-15
Updated: 2019-09-03
Packaged: 2020-09-01 08:47:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,363
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20255389
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DrunkSmoochum/pseuds/DrunkSmoochum
Summary: The words were out."I can't marry you."--Or Callum discovering himself and his feelings after breaking up with Whitney.





	1. What do I do when lightning strikes me?

**Author's Note:**

> I wasn't sure of posting this right now, but here we are. I hope you guys will like it!

The words were out.

"I can't marry you."

The door clicked open. Whitney had closed it when she heard Callum call for her a few minutes before. She didn't want to curse their marriage with the groom seeing the dress before the actual wedding. 

Whitney stood frozen in the doorway, her face almost as white as he dress.

"What?"

Callum looked down, he didn't dare to look Whitney in the eyes. Afraid he would see the pain. 

"I need to talk to you about something." 

\--

Callum was on his way to the café for breakfast when he saw Whitney with Tiff at her stand.

They hadn't spoken since Callum had called off the wedding. He moved out of the apartment the same day. She had been cross with him, he had lead her on and then also ruined their wedding day. However she was also grateful that he didn't trap her (and himself) in a sham of a marriage. Whitney has had enough of those.

So when Callum waved over, Whitney waved back.

The rest of the village was more peeved though. Blaming Callum for breaking Whitney's heart. Perhaps that had more to do with the fact that she hadn't told anyone the real reason. The story was simply that he had made a mistake. So, it wasn't a big surprise to Callum when he noticed Tiff giving him the stink eye when she saw who Whitney was waving to. 

Lowering his head Callum continued walking towards the Cafe. 

He hadn't come out yet. Still afraid to acknowledge his feelings completely. The only ones that knew about him being gay were Whitney and Ben. Perhaps Stuart knew as well, he must have after what Callum had told him about Ben and then also calling off the wedding. Stuart hadn't mentioned anything about it to Callum though. Which was a curse and a blessing at the same time. 

"Hello? Earth to Callum."

Callum looked up from his breakfast. His train of thoughts lost to him as he saw Jay waving his hand in front of Callum's face. 

"ya know, If I am boring you with information, about your work may I add, you can just say so" he said waving his fork before taking a bite of his food. 

"no, it's not.. " Callum sighed. "Sorry I just have a lot on my mind."

Jay looked sympathetic hearing that admission. "right of course, you are probably still cut up about what happend with Whit." Jay looked like he was having a thought and nodded to himself like he was agreeing with this thought. "How about you take today off? You have been working non stop since the break up." 

"What? N-no it's fine Jay, besides I already have a day off tomorrow" Callum was nervous. He needed work today. Anything that could keep his thoughts away from what was going to happen later today. 

"Nah I've already decided, you're not allowed to show up at work today either" Jay smirked like he had made the best decision of today and all Callum could do was nod as he tried to keep his growing panic under control. 

Regret was all Callum was feeling as he sat on his bed in his tiny room at the Carters. They had taken him back in after he had found himself homeless. Callum had tried to keep himself as busy as possible. He even asked Mick if he could help out behind the bar. But after the looks and snide remarks from the Slater's, Callum decided to go back upstairs. 

He should have never agreed to tonight. It was too soon. What if someone saw him? 

His phone buzzed, notifying him that he received a text message. This caused him to stand up from his bed. He rubbed at his face, knowingly and took a deep breath. Grabbing a jacket Callum walked downstairs and out of the Vic. There was no going back now. 

Outside, leaning against the wall of a dark alleyway stood Ben. He smirked as he pushed himself of the wall, not even hiding the fact he was checking Callum out. It made Callum nervous. 

"Gotta admit, didn't think you'd show up"

Callum scratched at the back of his neck "yeah I didn't think I would either." 

They were friends now. Callum and Ben had bonded in the weeks before the wedding. He gave Callum the courage to redefine himself which eventually lead to him revealing everything to Whitney. 

They had their 'more than just friends' moments. Of course they had. However Callum still wasn't sure about what he wanted and told Ben that it wouldn't be fair to either of them for Callum to jump from on relationship into another. 

So Ben agreed to help Callum discover certain stuff. Like going to a gay bar, and not just for fun, but to actually look for a potential date. 

They were stood in front of the prince Albert. Normally this would have been to close to home for Callum, especially since he wasn't ready to come out of the closet yet. And as much as he would have wanted to go out of town for a gay bar, he knew that the nearest one was still too far away. At least this way if he had felt uncomfortable he would be able to leave and be home within five minutes. 

Besides, if people had wondered why Callum was at a gay bar, him being there with Ben would be a good enough reason for people to believe he was just hanging out with a friend.

"you can still go back to my place, empty house and such." Ben grinned. "I can make it worth your while" he added, winking at Callum suggestively. 

Callum sighed deeply. He knew Ben was going to try something like this. 

"oh come on Callum can you blame me?" Ben smirked trying to look innocent. 

"let's just go inside." Callum said, sounding defeated. He really didn't want to argue with Ben about this again. He needed to get this over with. 

Ben huffed. "suit yourself" he schrugged still smiling. "just know that you won't find a better shag than me tonight."


	2. So let it rain, let it pour, if he don't love me anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For everyone who thought this fic was going to be all fun and fluff..  
I AM SO SORRY.  
Things are about to get a bit darker, but I promise next chapters are going to be lighter! 
> 
> I have updated the tags. 
> 
> Mentions of assault/an unwanted kiss.

It wasn't fair.

Callum watched on as Ben seemed to be swarmed by men on the dance floor. They had been at the Prince Albert for over two hours. One of those hours he had spent alone at a table near the bar. So far no one had shown interest in him. He knew it wasn't going to be easy, but he had atleast half-expected one person to walk up to him for a chat.

Part of him envied Ben for looking so careless and free. And perhaps, maybe, he was just a little bit jealous of the attention Ben had gotten.

Meanwhile, Callum had just sat there, feeling a little bored.

Maybe he seemed too nervous. Or maybe no one had thought him to be handsome. Feeling more and more insecure by the minute, Callum downed his drink and went to the restroom.

In one of the toilet stalls Callum could clearly hear the shushed moans of a couple. Getting flustered by the sounds he was hearing, Callum wanted to get out of there as soon as possible.

Before Callum could step out of the restroom he was pushed back in by a stranger. The man, probably in his mid thirties, wasn't bad looking. But the glint he had in his eyes made Callum want to run. "S-sorry, I uh I need to-" but before Callum could say anything else the stranger had cut him off with a kiss.

The kiss felt wrong and forced and Callum tried his best to push the man off, but was pinned between the sinks and the stranger. Stomping on the man's toe he was able to fully push the guy off.

"hey, don't be like that. You motioned for me to meet you here." the man said annoyed.

"no I didn't!" Callum yelled, completely shaken up. He wiped his mouth and proceeded to ran out of the restroom.

Scanning the dance floor Callum had to get to Ben and tell him that he needed to leave. But when he finally had found Ben, Callum's heart sank. On the dance floor stood Ben, dancing with a guy and doing the tongue tango.

In that moment Callum didn't know what was worse. Being assaulted in the restroom or Ben kissing another man. Something twisted inside of Callum and he ran as fast as he could out of the Albert. He ran towards an alley before emptying the contents of his stomach.

Wiping his mouth, Callum headed back to the Vic. He wanted to get home and shower, but most of all he wanted to forget about tonight.

The next morning Callum had woken up to dozens of texts and missed calls from Ben. The first few were snide remarks about Callum having pulled, but when Callum hadn't responded his messages had turned more concerning and wondering if Callum was okay. He placed the phone down without replying to any of the messages. Callum didn't want to speak to Ben today.

The image of Ben kissing someone else flashed through his mind. He wasn't dating Ben, so technically Callum had no right to be angry about it. So why was he?

Huffing, Callum turned around in his bed. He did not feel like getting up. For once he was happy he didn't have to get to work.

Unfortunately for Callum, staying in bed all day wasn't an option. Linda and Mick needed help behind the bar and this time Callum couldn't get out of it.

Avoiding Ben wasn't an option either now. Especially not since he had just walked inside of the pub. However, instead of walking up to Callum and asking him anything, Ben just walked over to a table and ignored Callum completely.

This must be payback for not answering back his messages. Callum was in no mood for Ben's games today though. Besides, He wasn't at fault.

Mick returned a few minutes later. Which meant that Callum could have his break. So he went to the bogs.

Washing his hands he noticed Ben standing behind him. He looked at him through the mirror.

"So what? You pulled and suddenly I'm out of the picture?" Ben asked, scowling. He sounded angry and hurt.

Sighing in disbelief Callum turned around. "Seriously?" he pulled a few paper towels out of the dispenser with force. How could Ben think so low of him.

"do you have any idea how worried I was." Ben said through gritted teeth, subconsciously moving closer to Callum.

"Oh yeah of course you were" Callum spat out. "I really saw the worry in your face when you had that guy's tongue down your throat!" Callum could help but shout a little. He was so angry with Ben and he couldn't pin point exactly why.

Ben's whole demeanor changed after the admission. "no, you were gon-" Callum cuts him off. "no, I went to the bogs and then got an unwanted kiss by some stranger that said that I had told him to come in with me!"

"What?"

"And then when I looked for my friend to help me, he was busy doing the tongue tango with some rando." Callum dried his hands furiously before tossing the paper towels away and walking out of the restroom. Ben following behind him.

"Callum, wait" Ben reached out to Callum's arm in an effort to stop him from walking away.

"Just leave me alone!" Callum shouted loudly, a force of anger in his voice. Everyone in the pub was looking at the pair now. Most of them looked because they had never heard Callum shout like that before.

Suddenly noticing the silence around him, Callum closed his eyes, took a breath and went up stairs. Ignoring everyone around him.

Inside his room, Callum broke down. He wanted to throw something. He was so agitated. Instead he cried, hugged a pillow from his bed and had one question on his mind.

_Why am I like this?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don't hate me!
> 
> Let me know what you think!


	3. And the clouds were ripping out my broken heart (Ben's side)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So last chapter was very angsty, in this chapter I'd like to show Ben's side of things as well.

Part of him wished Callum wasn't going to show up, but when did Callum do anything Ben expected from him?

Walking towards the Prince Albert, Ben had to try and change Callum's mind one last time. The truth was, Ben didn't care if Callum had jumped into a relationship with him so quick after Whit.

Ben wanted him so badly. However, in order to get Callum exactly where he wanted him, he had to play along.

That didn't mean he couldn't intervene a little.

Working his way around the dancefloor, Ben told off every guy that had asked him about Callum. So when he turned around and noticed the empty table at the bar where the taller man had sat at the whole night, Ben got worried.

"if you are looking for your friend, he was just in the restroom having some fun with a guy." a man said, rejoining the dancefloor.

He felt hurt. Ben didn't think Callum would be that kind of guy. Then again, he didn't think Callum would have sex with him in an alley near the park either, when they had their first kiss.

Trying everything to keep himself from walking over and into that restroom to stop whatever was going to happen, Ben lashed out. What Callum could do he could do as well. So he kissed one of the guys he was dancing with.

After getting rid of the guy he had kissed, Ben went to sat down at the bar alone, glaring at everyone who would come near him. He wasn't exactly heart broken about Callum pulling, but he did feel like his heart got stomped on.

Taking out his phone, Ben started typing furiously.

_Guessing you did find a better shag_.

He knew he should leave it alone. But he couldn't he was so angry.

_Who'd thought that a closet case like you would be such a slut._

And when Callum hadn't responded after an hour.

_That good that you aren't even responding? Lucky you_.

Once Ben got home, alone mind you, he started to sober up a bit. What if something went wrong? What if Callum was in trouble?

_Are you okay?_

Again, no answer. Ben looked at the time. It was almost 2AM. Nonetheless he decided to call him. The dial tone rang and rang and rang and then Callum's voicemail played.

_Cal, look I'm sorry, can you call me back? _

No response.

_If something has happened please tell me_. 

Ben called him again and again and again.

_Callum call me back please._

Annoyed, Ben decided to go to sleep.

_Fine. Be like that._

When Ben woke up there were no missed calls or messages. He wasn't sure if he was feeling more mad or worried.

Seeing Callum working behind the bar had vexed Ben. Though what angered him even more was that Callum seemed fine. It seems he had been worried for nothing. Which meant Callum most likely did pull.

Ben waited a few minutes before following Callum into the restroom. He had ignored him the whole time he had sat there, not even a glance in his direction and it furiated Ben.

"So what? You pulled and suddenly I'm out of the picture?" Ben asked, scowling. He was angry but most of all he felt hurt. He hated that Callum had this power over him, made him feel like this.

It wasn't until Callum told him what had happened that he seemed to calm down. Right there and then Ben wanted to slap himself. He should have known Callum wasn't the kind of guy to sleep with a stranger, but jealousy had gotten the better of him.

He tried to stop Callum, wanting to explain his behavior, but Callum didn't want to hear it. He wanted Ben to leave him alone. So, Ben watched him leave, gave everyone that was looking at him the stink eye and proceeded to walk out of the bar and straight to the prince Albert. He had to go and look at the camera footage.

Whoever had wronged Callum in the bogs last night was going to be in big trouble.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Goes to show that not everything is always what it seems!
> 
> Hope you enjoyed!


	4. Thunder, feel the thunder, lightning and the thunder

Sleep is overrated.

Callum hadn't been able to have a proper sleep in days. It wasn't because of what had happened at the Prince Albert, well he was a bit shaken because of it, but he had gotten over that the moment he had seen Ben kissing someone else.

However, he hadn't seen or spoken to Ben since their row at the Vic and it was eating him up from the inside. Ben was one of two people who knew about him and probably the only one who he could talk to about how he felt.

Tired and unable to keep himself from yawning, Callum was filling in some forms at the funeral home. It was work he had been ignoring for a while now, too distracted by how he was feeling.

"Haven't seen you in a while bruv"

Looking up, Callum saw his brother stand in front of his desk with a smile on his face. Like he was very happy to see Callum. For some reason it felt unnerving. They hadn't spoken much after Callum had called off the wedding.

"yeah, uhm been busy" Callum said, showing a fake smile and the papers on his desk. "W-what can I do for you Stuart?" his brother had the power to make Callum feel nervous with his presence. Especially since Stuart hadn't mentioned or asked anything about why he had called off the wedding.

"Just wondering if ya wanted to have a drink with me later" Stuart asked casually, shoving his hands in his pockets.

As much as Callum would like to have a drink, maybe his brother wasn't the best option to have a drink with. "I want to, but I am swamped with work" he said, motioning towards the papers again.

Stuart's smile faded. "Right I see."

Callum m could already see the hurt in Stuart's expression. "Stu."

"No I get it, you don't want to hang out with your big brother." he shrugged. "it's fine Cal." he turned to walk away.

"No that's not.." Callum sighed, kicking himself mentally. "I'll work something out yeah?"

Grinning Stuart replied "Good, see you tonight then" and walked out of the door.

Waiting until he heard the door fall in it's lock again. Callum layed his head on the desk, hitting it softly to punish himself for his compassion against his brother.

This was going to be hell.

Arriving early at E20, Callum hoped to see a glance of Ben. He had heard, in the Vic, that Ben had been banned from the Prince Albert by Kathy because he was involved in a scuffle. And since Ben hadn't been at the Vic ever since Callum yelled at him to leave him alone, E20 would most likely be the only place left for Ben to get a drink in.

Disappointment rose as Callum realised that Ben wasn't there. Not that Callum would have walked up to him if he were there. He just missed Ben's face. A lot.

Right on cue Stuart walked in and sat down next to Callum. They had a few drinks talking about nothing and everytime the subject seemed to go to whitney or the wedding call of Stuart started to talk about something else. It was excruciatingly annoying how Stuart didn't want to discuss the subject, when all Callum wanted to know is how his brother felt.

"I can't do this" Callum said as he cut Stuart off.

"do what?" Stuart asked, looking confused.

"pretend like everything is fine"

Stuart gave Callum another confused look.

"I am talking about me calling off the wedding and you trying to pretend that it's okay." Callum said frustrated.

It all seemed to click for Stuart who smiled shyly. "sorry, bruv . I just didn't think you wanted to talk about it.

" well I do" Callum said suddenly feeling nervous. "I need to tell you because you are my brother and I know you'll hate me, but I-I can't do this anymore so I need you to know." he was on the brink of breaking down.

This was a lot harder for Callum than he had imagined. The last time he talked about this kind of stuff it had seemed easier, maybe he felt a bit braver then because he knew he was going to marry Whit either way.

"I called off the wedding because.. " Callum took a deep breath. No going back now. " because I'm gay. "

"Yeah I figured." Stuart said nonchalantly as he took a sip from his drink.

Callum stared at his big brother. Wondering what the fuck was going on.

"What?"

"Well you don't just call off a wedding to a girl like Whitney for any reason." Stuart scratched his head and continued. "Especially weeks after telling me about what happened between you and Ben Mitchell. Also let's not forget how you reacted during your stag do, when he hadn't showed."

Had it been that obvious? Had he been that obvious?

"And you are not mad or repulsed by me?" Callum asked him, sounding small all of the sudden.

Stuart took a deep breath and smiled. "Callum, You're my little brother, all I want for you is to be happy." he said in earnest, placing his hand on Callum's shoulder in comfort. "Even if that is with another man."

"But what about what you did to Ben?" Callum asked confused. "You were disgusted by him."

"You told me you were happy with Whit, that you only wanted Whit. I thought he was trying to destroy that, that he was luring you in or summat and when you told me he was the only one.." Stuart sighed. "I guess I wanted to protect you, protect what you had with Whit."

Ofcourse that was how Stuart had thought about it. In his mind it was the best way to protect Callum, just use your fists. It's how Jonno had taught them to live.

"I see." Callum bit his lip. He still couldn't believe what Stuart had just told him. Callum was so afraid to lose his brother, the only family in his life, and now it turns out that Stuart was okay with it.

He did needed to clarify something though.

"I didn't call off the wedding because of Ben, I just couldnt lie to myself and her anymore."

"That's good." Stuart said smiling again. "Like I said, I just want you to be happy." he turned back to his drink.

Callum looked confused at his big brother. Wondering if it was really Stuart he was talking to or a doppelganger that had infiltrated his life.

"although, you could do better than someone like Ben Mitchell." Stuart said with a gruff.

The mentioning of Ben's name made Callum glance around once more. Trying his best to not make it too obvious what he was doing, Callum downed his drink.

"So?" Stuart asked eyeing Callum.

"So what?"

"Are you happy Cal?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, before y'all go off,
> 
> I don't like Stuart Highway.
> 
> But
> 
> I can see him accepting Callum for who he is. 
> 
> (If you want to know why I wrote him like this in my story, you can always message me.)


	5. I can see clearly now, the rain is gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a bit shorter my apologies!

_are you happy Cal? _

A question he has replayed in his head ever since his brother had asked him last night. Ofcourse he had said yes, but was he really?

He should _feel _happy.

Last night had been freeing for Callum. Stuart knew now and his brother didn't seem mad or disgusted like Callum had thought he would be.

So why was he still feeling uneased?

" everything okay?"

Nervousness swept over him as he recognized the voice calling out to him. Callum looked up from his breakfast and saw familiar red hair and blue eyes staring at him.

"yeah yeah I'm fine" Callum answered with a tight smile.

"you sure? You've been staring at your eggs for 20 minutes now."

Before Callum could answer Tiff showed up from behind Whitney.

"Whit come on, he ain't worth ya time. Not after what he did." Tiff said annoyed, giving Callum the evil eye.

Callum looked down, avoiding Tiff's gaze.

There was a sigh, followed by "why don't you go ahead, I'll be there in a sec."

"But Whit.. "

"just go Tiff."

And with that Tiff left.

Whitney sat down opposite of Callum, which caused him to look up. Why was she sitting down? He gave her a confused look.

"oh come on Callum, I know something is bothering you." Whitney said, looking concerned. " you wanted to be friends, right? So talk to me. "

It had been what Callum wanted. That day, when he told her he couldn't marry her, Callum had felt so guilty asking her to just be friends. All he knew was that he didn't want to lose her, so when she said she needed time he accepted that.

Taking a deep breath he told her that he had came out to Stuart and how his brother had reacted. And after thinking carefully about it, he also decided to tell her about the night him and Ben went out and how that had ended in their fight. She listened to him, squeezing his hand when he had started to well up.

"Sorry. I-I shouldn't be talking about this with you, not after what happened." wiping at his eyes Callum sniffed softly.

"No Callum, I am glad you told me." Whitney said, adding "It actually all make sense now." with a smile.

"What do you mean?" Callum asked confused.

"You, shouting your head off at Ben last week in the Vic." Whitney answered leaning back in her seat crossing her arms. "you fancy Ben."

"No, it's nothing like that." Callum shook his head. "me and Ben, we are just friends. I mean we did.. He did made me realise that I am gay, but.." Callum stopped talking. 

Did he fancy Ben? Most of the time he hated him if he was being honest. He hated his stupid smirk whenever he had something clever to say and the way he always knew how to rile Callum up and.. 

_Oh... shit. _

Whitney raised an eyebrow.

"Wait. What do you mean he made you realise you were gay?"

**Author's Note:**

> Please let me know what you think!


End file.
